dating is killing marriage...

The title says it all, folks.

The modern American concept of dating is undermining and destroying the foundation of marriage in our culture today. I could attack this topic from countless angles, but I will try to stick to two for today's note. First, we'll look at how dating is practiced by our generation and how that methodology is so detrimental to marriage as an institution. Then I will finish up with my take on how the college-aged Christian should approach the concept of dating (and, of course, back it up with scripture). Let me throw out this disclaimer before I begin: my own thoughts on this subject have changed radically in the last few months (big surprise, right?) once the change in perspective occurred (read my other notes this week if we're not on the same page). I have, since then, raised the bar considerably on how I will handle dating from now on...we get to that later. Let's go...

Dating as a concept is so messed up that it's difficult to find a good place to begin to unravel it's garbage. Let's take a person, we'll call him "Bob" and run him through some hypothetical dating situations. When Bob turned 16, he received permission to begin going out with friends without supervision. He went on lots of "group dates" with several people were involved. He liked this one girl, we'll call her "Sally". Bob and Sally weren't allowed to one-on-one date yet, but that didn't keep them from becoming emotionally involved with each other. After a time, Bob bent the rules and went off for some alone time with Sally. They weren't nearly mature enough to begin to understand what was happening in their own bodies. They made lots of mistakes, both physically and emotionally, and ended up going their separate ways after a couple of months.

Fast forward 3 years. Bob is dating this other girl now. They've been together for a few months and Bob really cares about her. He feels a real connection with her and they have lots of stuff in common. Bob and his girl spend huge amounts of time together and share deep and intimate conversations with each other. Bob has had sex with this girl more than a few times and he doesn't see much of a problem with it because he thinks he loves her. After almost 2 years however, Bob decides that he doesn't think she is right for him after all. He breaks up with her and lives with the penalties of that decision for a while.

Fast forward 3 more years. Bob is 22 now. He can't count on both hands the number of girls he's dated since he started playing this game. He is preparing to marry a girl named Susan that he dated for 6 months before he popped the question. He is 2 weeks away from the altar now, terrified that he's making a mistake. He is thinking about all the different girls he's cared about over the years. All the different physical encounters he's had. All the times he has ended relationships for various reasons. Bob knows that he's a broken man, but he doesn't really understand how he got that way. Bob and Susan end up getting married. The future is looking bright.......

.......Until about 5 years into the marriage, Bob just can't take it anymore. Susan does so many little, tiny things that just drive him crazy. Bob doesn't understand why Susan is the way she is. Bob files for divorce and walks away from Susan forever. Thankfully there were no children involved.

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Anybody see something wrong with that picture? The whole thing is a product of my imagination, but change the names and some details and this story is being played out every single day. The problem is fundamental. Dating is practice for divorce. You find a person you're interested in...you spend considerable energy, time, money, etc. getting to know this person...you connect in a deep way with them...you enjoy emotional and perhaps physical intimacy with them...difficulty arises, huge difficulty maybe...you decide "things just aren't working out" and you bolt. These situation occur for a variety of reasons. To understand why dating as we know it is so flawed, you need to come to grips with the purpose of exclusive romantic relationships: To determine if this person is a suitable candidate for marriage. An exclusive dating relationship is the last step before expensive jewelry gets put on fingers and lots of money is spent on flowers and candles and stuff.

The concept of dating merely for recreation is a relatively new concoction. It is also poison straight from the pit of Hell. The process of trial-and-error dating lends itself to trial-and-error marriages quite easily. Oprah ran a special last spring where the whole show was talking about good "starter marriages" and things that people should focus on during their "first marriage". Wow. I mean wow people, does that grieve anyone else's soul? Search the Bible for a single example of recreational dating and you will come up empty. There aren't any. The only time intimacy, emotional or physical, is mentioned outside the context of marriage, it's because there's sin to be dealt with. Recreational dating may be setting a horrible standard, but it's not the only culprit we're arresting tonight.

Serious dating has many of the trappings of marriage without any of the stability or security of marriage. (It clearly violates 1 Thes. 4:6 that talks about implying commitments that don't actually exist). There are thousands of "mini-marriages" being lived out all across America. People invest in each other, face difficulty, decide it's not worth the effort and end the relationship. Do that a few times and one might just develop a habit of walking away from a relationship that is in need of serious work. Rings and vows don't matter much if you've got history, habit, selfishness and sin working against your heart. It's much easier to run than to stay and fight. Especially if you've never been taught why or how to put up such a fight.

Let's pull all this back together. We've addressed the problem, now let's bring the solution into focus. How can we, as college-age followers of Jesus Christ, approach the subject of dating with our key thoughts in mind? (1. How does this action bring glory to Jesus Christ? 2. How will other people perceive this action given my position as a follower of Jesus Christ?) As men, we are called to treat all women to whom we are not married equally (Eph. 5:1-2.)

For starters, biblical dating doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are many people other than the man and woman involved in the relationship. If the people are wise, they both are receiving regular council about the relationship from an older, Godly source. They are also under the accountability of friends and loved ones. You've all heard the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child", but it also takes a "village" to properly prepare man and woman for the vigors of marriage.

I'm not the least bit qualified to offer any correspondence on the topic of engagement or marriage. I can, however, relate from personal experience how damaging dating the wrong way can be. There are pieces of me that I can't get back, memories that will be in my head for a long time. Girls that mean nothing to me now still hold pieces of my heart that I gave them when we were dating. My wife will marry a man who is less than whole; that is not a good thing. I could ramble on about this forever, so let me cut to the chase and tie all this up with a nice big bow on top...

My dating philosophy:

First off, the man must show absolute respect to the woman, and her family, in all his actions. Call me old-fashioned, I'll take it as a compliment...before you ask a lady to be your lady, you better have a sit down with her father first (obviously, this is not possible in all situations, but consider this as the ideal set of circumstances).

Group dates, mixed with small amounts of alone time are definitely the way to go. That way possible temptation is kept at a minimum. At this point in the relationship you should already have run this person through the standard battery of questions in your head before you even start dating them...

1. Does this person have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?

2. Are they actively pursuing a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him?

3. Does this person possess character and integrity up to the biblical par?

4. Are my core beliefs and purpose statements compatible with theirs?

5. Does this person like pepperoni or hamburger on their pizza? (ok...j/k)

If the answer isn't yes to all of the above questions (minus #5) than we don't even need to have this conversation. Do not continue things with this person right now. They will rub off on you long before you rub off on them. Evangelism dating (and definitely evangelism marriage) is not a good idea.

My apologies, this note is getting ridiculously long. I will stop here and continue with the rest of my thoughts tomorrow. Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, please drop me a comment, message or send me an email to checkyourwallet@hotmail.com. Thanks!