dating is killing marriage, Pt. 2

First off...don't read this post until you've read part 1, I don't want to summarize or repeat myself. Let's pick up exactly where we left off...we were talking about determining if the person you're interested in or already dating was an acceptable choice according to biblical standards.

I've received some comments on the subject already, so let me first clarify my position. I'm not saying that dating or marrying someone who doesn't share your relationship with Christ or your major beliefs and values can never work. Scripture implicitly states "do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?" - 2 Cor 6:14 (NASB). It doesn't get much simpler than that. Whether we're talking romantic dating, engagement or marriage...the Book says you have no business committing your heart to that person. Done-Ski.

We've talked at length about what is wrong with the dating is practiced right now. I think we all agree that the whole system, and the whole world for that matter, is pretty messed up (thanks Collin). It's time to talk about how a Christian young adult should approach dating / marriage.

The first answer is the most important one and the one you've hopefully been doing for a long time. Pray for and about your future beloved. Fervently seeking God's will on this subject is of paramount importance. It's so easy to get completely lost in what I call the I-Me-My syndrome. "Well...I think this person is cute, smart and funny. I think they might be what I'm looking for." See anything wrong with that? It's all self-centered and selfish to the core.

Here's a simple little concept whose implications go far beyond this subject: Self gets in the way of God's will (thanks Megan). Asking God to guide your attention and your affections before you even begin to look for the special someone is a great idea. Our society places so much emphasis on the physical aspect of interpersonal relationship that it can be easy to lose our focus. This hindrance to finding the right person is much more difficult for guys, simply because of how we're wired. I have good news for all you people (myself included) that weren't blessed with model bodies: Baring surgical intervention, we'll all be wrinkled and unattractive to the world when we're 65...it's coming.

So we know that the way the world dates is a very large factor in the equation that states roughly half of every single marriage covenant made will be broken by the monster of divorce. The question you might be asking yourself is: But if I don't date around, how will I find out what kind of person I want to be with? So many people have bought into this lie from Satan and paid for it dearly. The answer is simple...spend time in their world.

If you want to know what someone is really like, be around them and their friends, or their family, or their college group from church. It is extremely easy to fool someone one-on-one, but most people's true colors are readily evident when they are in their natural environment. This approach also solves several other problems with isolated, intimate settings...

Do not imply, with your actions or words, a level of commitment that does not exist. I know so many people that are deep into a romantic relationship. They've dropped the L-bomb, they spend tons of time with their significant other, much of their identity is found in their bf/gf. This kind of situation is extremely problematic, because no real commitment exists in their relationship. There is nothing keeping one or the other of them from "falling out of love" just as easily as they fell into it. The entire concept of "falling in love" is a recipe for disaster. Love is not an emotion, it is not attraction, it is not infatuation, it is not touchy-feely / ooie-gooie tenderness...love is a conscious decision to place someone else's thoughts, needs, desires and benefit before your own.

Now, I'm really going to meddle. Until you're married, you are not married. This is definitely an area where I was dead wrong in the past, my entire viewpoint has pulled a 180 now that I view the subject through the lens of those two huge questions that rule my philosophy:

1. Does this action bring glory or shame to Jesus Christ?
2. How will this action be perceived given my position as a follower of Jesus Christ?

Dating is not meant to be the arena where two people embark on a journey together where they go become intimately knowledgeable about each other's lives and begin to be God's provision for spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy and companionship (thanks Boundless.org). Your BF/GF is not yours yet. Unless you've been given the gift of lifelong singleness (for the purpose of a life devoted to full-time vocational service to the Kingdom of God...like Paul did), God has a plan that includes a spouse for you. You are defrauding them when you engage in marriage-like activity or conversation with someone who is not your spouse.

Here's a short personal anecdote on this topic:

A few months ago, I met this lady at a conference I was working for Pine Cove. She and I hit it off quite well, we found each other interesting and had plenty in common. After a 3-hour conversation the second night I knew her, when it looked as though we were going to pursue the possibility of a romantic relationship, I gave her the brief version of how I intended to approach the blossoming relationship (my, oh my, if I could go back and punch myself that night...). I basically told her that I was going to treat her like a queen. She responded with words that I will never forget: "I certainly hope so, because if it doesn't work out with you...I'm somebody else's wife." I can't begin to tell you the impact that one sentence had on me. It's still affecting my entire concept of how I approach dating/engagement/marriage even today.

Guys, your girl does not belong to you. Her hand is not your hand. Her lips are not your lips. They belong to her husband. In the same way, your hands, lips and all that you are belong to your wife. No one else.

Song of Songs speaks clearly about love, sex, etc...it's about as frank as the Bible gets about any of that stuff. It clearly states that awakening passions before the proper time brings nothing but pain and sorrow in the end (Song of Songs 2:7).

Now I can hear the uproar and the attitudes brewing right now. You are thinking I am a nutjob. Guess what, I am thinking I am a nutjob too. Holding this belief completely flies in the face of everything our society and culture have taught us our whole life. It's important to note that the Bible doesn't specifically mentioning the act of a kiss outside of marriage as "bad" or "good." I believe that any act that brings any amount of sexual satisfaction should be deemed a sexual act. I'm not saying that if you choose to kiss your BF/GF that you are sinning...I just believe you're taking something away from your future spouse every time you do. Let me justify my opinion:

What is the point of kissing your significant other? To show affection and care for them, or to receive the physical pleasure that comes from the act itself, right? It is satisfying to kiss them, you both feel that some of your needs are met in that moment. You are both meeting your needs apart from the resource that God installed to meet them: your spouse. I am looking forward with great anticipation to being completely frustrated and unsatisfied physically until the day of my wedding. I want to build up as big a pile of unmet physical and emotional needs as humanly possible...so that on the day of my wedding, I can look my new bride in the face and know that all the frustration and dissatisfaction I felt all those days were worth it. They were worth it because now I get to lay all that stuff at her feet and allow her to be the complete and total source of my physical, visual, emotional and relational satisfaction.

The beautiful part is...I get to meet those same needs for her as her husband. It's my ordained duty to meet every single one of her physical needs, her longing for emotional and physical intimacy, her desire for genuine security and protection. God may be first in my life and first in the life of my wife, but there is a void sitting there in second place. Even Adam himself, walking around in the physical presence of Almighty God was missing something. God knew that Adam needed companionship other than Himself. "bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh..." No wonder the longing to find our spouse is so strong...it's as if we are searching for the missing pieces of our own body.

How do you bridge the gap from friends to engaged without behaving in ways that are dishonorable to our families and our Creator? Understand the purpose of the different stages in a relationship. I'm not going to re-hash what we've already talked about. (There will be a post about deep, personal, platonic relationships soon).

Don't get caught up in the lie that you have to know a person deeply and intimately before you can consider marriage. You have to lay a proper foundation of friendship and commonality, water it with huge doses of prayer and wise council, then run the prospect through the tests: beliefs, opinions, personality, communication, conflict resolution styles, goals (long and short-term), sense of humor, character qualities, integrity, passionate love for Jesus Christ...these all need to fit with the two of you. If that's the case and you have the blessing of people who know both of you...go for it. I don't believe that you have to have a neon sign hanging down from Heaven and pointing at your beloved's head to know if it's God's will. If that person passed all the tests we've laid out above, the chances are they are one for you.

Please let me state clearly, there is no cut and dried formula for this whole love and marriage thing. God doesn't work well with formulas (future topic? I think so...) and neither do the institutions of love and marriage. For every set of lovers, there is another story of how that love came to be.

Keep God in the forefront of your mind and you'll be on the right path. Keep Him in first place in your life no matter what. No one, no matter how great you think they might be, was designed to take the place of God in your life. No one deserves that kind of pressure. Live with the future in mind until that sweet day when you get to look that person in the face and say "I do..." At that moment, all this struggle will be worth it. You can hold me to that promise.

"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things will be added to you..." - Matt. 6:33