I have the distinct privileges of being one of the only people left in Nac over the break. You might be inclined to think that it would be a nice, quiet pause from the usual hustle and bustle of college life...and you'd be wrong. Big surprise there, right?
I've had a lot of late nights this week, and a lot of time has been spent on self-assessment and realigning my will with God's. I am fully aware of the fact that calendar years mean nothing to God and that His plans are perfect. It doesn't worry me too much at all that I still don't have a good idea of exactly what is going after I walk that graduation stage in a little over 276 days and 8 hours. It doesn't bother me that I'm 24 years old and I am no closer to a potential wife than I was this time last year. Don't mistake my thoughts for sorrow, just readiness and eagerness.
Jer. 29:11 is possibly one of the most overused and cliched verses in the Bible. It is completely true, no doubt, but I think it's full impact is lost unless you really stop to think what is being said by the Creator. When you pair it with Rom. 8:28, you know beyond a doubt that nothing happens or doesn't happen that is not somehow connected to God's sovereign plan for your life.
I am naturally philosophical. It gets me completely wrapped around the axle sometimes, but that's life. I am enjoying college immensely, but I cannot wait for the day when I have no roommates other than my wife, a job with actual upward mobility and a clear vision of the ministry and purpose I am here to fulfill.
As I stand here at the biggest crossroads I have ever faced, there is excitement mixed with a tad bit of apprehension. There is so much out there that I have never experienced, so much I haven't seen, so much unknown. I am so glad I have an Almighty God who loves me as His own and has called me to be a piece in His puzzle.
I have no problem admitting it...I am eager to walk the path with someone that leads to marriage. I have no intention of rushing anything or acting foolish, but when God opens that door I will gladly walk through it without hesitation. There is so much of me that has been keeping, waiting and longing for her. The physical sense is such a small part of it...that holy union will be glorious when it gets here. Immensely hard and a time of intense growth and maturation, yes. But still glorious.
Gen. 2:18 - It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.
As I near the finishing tape of one race, I am wide eyed in search of the starting line for the next one. So...to my wife, wherever you are right now...whatever you're doing...Just know that I love you, I miss you and I'm praying for you.
Be blessed.
05 March 2008
The results are in...
Tuesday, March 4th, the great state of Texas held our primary elections. John Mccain soundly defeated Mike Huckabee, thus ending Huckabee's bid for the presidency. This leaves Americans with 2 Über-liberals and a RINO (republican in name only) to choose from for President of the USA.
I am horribly terrified for the next 4 years of America. There isn't a single candidate now available to the voters that doesn't leave a putrid feeling in my stomach. I do not call myself a republican, although I normally vote as one. I am a conversative, and this election makes me sick. I voted for Mike Huckabee, and was gleeful to do so. Mike is about as good a man as you can find.
Mccain reminds me of Senator Palpatine from Star Wars 1, where on the outside he looks just fine and caring...but in reality, he is evil and twisted beyond imagination.
The only reason George W. Bush won either of the last two hotly contested election was because of the fervent support of the evangelical right-wingers. John Mccain has make it abundantly clear that there is no love lost between him and the church. As much as I truly hate the idea, I think that the democrats will have a fairly easy time defeating him.
Now the question is "Who will lead America now?": A closet muslim with ties to radical black-supremesists or the former first "lady" (it's laughable that we even have to call her a lady...) who's already run the country for 8 years.
The answer is obvious, for those of us who call on the matchless name of Jesus Christ. We can have faith in perilous times like these because we know that our Creator has written out this chapter of human existence just like all the rest. Regardless of what happens, regardless of how bleak the situation looks right now...God's will is being accomplished and His purposes are being fulfilled. This is definitely one of those times where I have to just take my hands off the situation and say "OK, God...do your thing." Honestly, I'm scared to death for America, but we should be acting in a spirit of faith and obedience to biblical commands.
Romans 13:1 "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."
My friends, that's pretty cut and dried. Those are my thoughts on the situation...
Be blessed.
I am horribly terrified for the next 4 years of America. There isn't a single candidate now available to the voters that doesn't leave a putrid feeling in my stomach. I do not call myself a republican, although I normally vote as one. I am a conversative, and this election makes me sick. I voted for Mike Huckabee, and was gleeful to do so. Mike is about as good a man as you can find.
Mccain reminds me of Senator Palpatine from Star Wars 1, where on the outside he looks just fine and caring...but in reality, he is evil and twisted beyond imagination.
The only reason George W. Bush won either of the last two hotly contested election was because of the fervent support of the evangelical right-wingers. John Mccain has make it abundantly clear that there is no love lost between him and the church. As much as I truly hate the idea, I think that the democrats will have a fairly easy time defeating him.
Now the question is "Who will lead America now?": A closet muslim with ties to radical black-supremesists or the former first "lady" (it's laughable that we even have to call her a lady...) who's already run the country for 8 years.
The answer is obvious, for those of us who call on the matchless name of Jesus Christ. We can have faith in perilous times like these because we know that our Creator has written out this chapter of human existence just like all the rest. Regardless of what happens, regardless of how bleak the situation looks right now...God's will is being accomplished and His purposes are being fulfilled. This is definitely one of those times where I have to just take my hands off the situation and say "OK, God...do your thing." Honestly, I'm scared to death for America, but we should be acting in a spirit of faith and obedience to biblical commands.
Romans 13:1 "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."
My friends, that's pretty cut and dried. Those are my thoughts on the situation...
Be blessed.
18 February 2008
Stressed?
Sometimes I say something that sounds cool or hits home with you. It probably wasn't me talking. Sometimes I do something right and amazing things happen. The chances are good that I can't take any credit for that. The overwhelming and matchless grace of an Almighty God is more than enough to compensate for my tremendous ability to suck at life.
At a point in life where it seems that the weight of the entire universe should be upon my shoulders, I am at peace. In the face of a host of reasons to be a giant stress ball, I'm laughing it off and pressing on. How is that possible? I don't have a career figured out, I don't have a wife or anyone who looks like she could be one, I don't have money or many "cool" things, so why am I so happy?
Mostly because I've somehow managed to obey 1 Pet. 5:7 and "cast my cares on Him." It's a beautiful thing when you can wake up on a Monday morning where you've had less than 4 hours of sleep and smile. My friends, if you would just let Him take care of the uncontrollable things in your life and stop worrying about things you can't affect...you would know joy and peace on a level you've probably only dreamed of at this point.
It's like the serenity prayer from when we were all kids "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." How profound.
As college students, everyone trys to put so much pressure on us, trying to knock us down. The world's view of success just doesn't seem that appetizing to me. Why should I hoard "stuff" and grasp and claw for every scrap of temporal happiness, pleasure and anesthetizing of pain? Why should I pick that special someone based on what I can see? Why should I judge and put you down to bring me up? Why should I gossip and slander, tearing down my brothers and sisters...only to somehow satiate my internal struggles of insufficiency? Why should I be afraid?
The answer is...I should not. You shouldn't either.
2 Cor. 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Do all that you can to serve God, love people and make the world a better place. Leave to rest up to the Man that runs the show. If you mess up, fess up. Get up and get back to it. GO.
Be blessed...
At a point in life where it seems that the weight of the entire universe should be upon my shoulders, I am at peace. In the face of a host of reasons to be a giant stress ball, I'm laughing it off and pressing on. How is that possible? I don't have a career figured out, I don't have a wife or anyone who looks like she could be one, I don't have money or many "cool" things, so why am I so happy?
Mostly because I've somehow managed to obey 1 Pet. 5:7 and "cast my cares on Him." It's a beautiful thing when you can wake up on a Monday morning where you've had less than 4 hours of sleep and smile. My friends, if you would just let Him take care of the uncontrollable things in your life and stop worrying about things you can't affect...you would know joy and peace on a level you've probably only dreamed of at this point.
It's like the serenity prayer from when we were all kids "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." How profound.
As college students, everyone trys to put so much pressure on us, trying to knock us down. The world's view of success just doesn't seem that appetizing to me. Why should I hoard "stuff" and grasp and claw for every scrap of temporal happiness, pleasure and anesthetizing of pain? Why should I pick that special someone based on what I can see? Why should I judge and put you down to bring me up? Why should I gossip and slander, tearing down my brothers and sisters...only to somehow satiate my internal struggles of insufficiency? Why should I be afraid?
The answer is...I should not. You shouldn't either.
2 Cor. 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Do all that you can to serve God, love people and make the world a better place. Leave to rest up to the Man that runs the show. If you mess up, fess up. Get up and get back to it. GO.
Be blessed...
09 February 2008
McCain / Huckabee ticket?
With the development of the presidential primary races this week, things have come into much greater clarity. When Mitt Romney officially suspended his campaign early this week, it essentially gave the nomination to McCain. Unless a total miracle of God happens, McCain will be the republican's nominee.
I support Mike Huckabee for President. I think that he would lead America back in the right direction, back towards integrity and character, back towards Jesus. The prospect of a R.I.N.O. running the republican's ticket really scares me. McCain's stand on the sanctity of life, of embryonic stem cell research, homosexual marriage rights, immigration and tax reform really bother me. I don't think for a second that John McCain is the right man for the job.
That being said, he will likely win the nomination. With Clinton and Obama embroiled in a very tight democratic primary...McCain will have the head start on fundraising and gameplanning. If he wins the primary as he should, I can't think of a better candidate to fill the ticket as VP than Mike Huckabee. Huckabee is a strong personality, a veteran and skilled debater, a proven leader and effective instrument for economic reform. If McCain is smart, he will attract the evangelical demographic and put Huckabee as his running mate.
It's sort of a consolation prize, but putting Huckabee in the White House, even as VP, can only mean good things for America. I am nothing close to a fan of John McCain, but if I have to chose between him and the likes of Clinton or Obama...McCain wins every time.
I am very concerned for the future of America. I believe we're entering into some very dark days in the life of our country. America has rejected God for more than a generation and it's beginning to catch up with us. 9/11 was a wake up call that unfortunately, only briefly rustled us from our spiritual slumber. The old adage of "evil prevails when good men (and women) do nothing" is in full force. The church is mostly either oblivious or incapable of responding effectively to the onslaught of darkness. Our eyes are in the mirror instead of in the clouds, seeking God's face. Our focus in internal when it should be eternal.
Call me melodramatic, call me a doomsdayer if you wish. I believe that this upcoming presidency will be a defining presidency for the rest of American history. Just as FDR's presidency defined the path America has taken in the last 60 years, I believe that whoever moves into the White House in January of 2009 will change the course of America's destiny one way or another.
Fellow believers, now is the time when we must be pleading for God's mercy and grace on our country. Be in prayer for our leaders, for the voters, for the hearts and minds of our judges and elected officials.
Also, I think it goes without saying, but: GET OUT AND VOTE. If you don't vote, you are letting people who hate what you stand for determine who runs this country. I, for one, am going to exercise every ounce of influence, power and constitutional authority I can grasp in the coming months. If you stand for the truth, you should to.
If you stand for the darkness, for murder and debauchery, for "tolerance"...be afraid. The sleeping giant that is the American church is stirring. Morning is almost here.
I support Mike Huckabee for President. I think that he would lead America back in the right direction, back towards integrity and character, back towards Jesus. The prospect of a R.I.N.O. running the republican's ticket really scares me. McCain's stand on the sanctity of life, of embryonic stem cell research, homosexual marriage rights, immigration and tax reform really bother me. I don't think for a second that John McCain is the right man for the job.
That being said, he will likely win the nomination. With Clinton and Obama embroiled in a very tight democratic primary...McCain will have the head start on fundraising and gameplanning. If he wins the primary as he should, I can't think of a better candidate to fill the ticket as VP than Mike Huckabee. Huckabee is a strong personality, a veteran and skilled debater, a proven leader and effective instrument for economic reform. If McCain is smart, he will attract the evangelical demographic and put Huckabee as his running mate.
It's sort of a consolation prize, but putting Huckabee in the White House, even as VP, can only mean good things for America. I am nothing close to a fan of John McCain, but if I have to chose between him and the likes of Clinton or Obama...McCain wins every time.
I am very concerned for the future of America. I believe we're entering into some very dark days in the life of our country. America has rejected God for more than a generation and it's beginning to catch up with us. 9/11 was a wake up call that unfortunately, only briefly rustled us from our spiritual slumber. The old adage of "evil prevails when good men (and women) do nothing" is in full force. The church is mostly either oblivious or incapable of responding effectively to the onslaught of darkness. Our eyes are in the mirror instead of in the clouds, seeking God's face. Our focus in internal when it should be eternal.
Call me melodramatic, call me a doomsdayer if you wish. I believe that this upcoming presidency will be a defining presidency for the rest of American history. Just as FDR's presidency defined the path America has taken in the last 60 years, I believe that whoever moves into the White House in January of 2009 will change the course of America's destiny one way or another.
Fellow believers, now is the time when we must be pleading for God's mercy and grace on our country. Be in prayer for our leaders, for the voters, for the hearts and minds of our judges and elected officials.
Also, I think it goes without saying, but: GET OUT AND VOTE. If you don't vote, you are letting people who hate what you stand for determine who runs this country. I, for one, am going to exercise every ounce of influence, power and constitutional authority I can grasp in the coming months. If you stand for the truth, you should to.
If you stand for the darkness, for murder and debauchery, for "tolerance"...be afraid. The sleeping giant that is the American church is stirring. Morning is almost here.
15 January 2008
funny how that happens...
So I was checking out at Walmart tonight...
It's been a long day with classes getting started and transitioning into management at work. I was putting me stuff on the counter at Walmart and for some reason I looked over what I was buying again. Toilet paper, surface cleaner, paper towels and laundry detergent. Talk about the most boring trip to Walmart ever. It hit me super hard all of a sudden. I'm an adult now.
I don't know exactly when it happened. In my head I'm still about 17, figuring out the world and wondering what the future holds. Then I look at the mirror and realize all that's going on in life...graduating soon, thinking about career opportunities, talking to God about my future wife, thinking about how awesome fatherhood is going to be, etc.
My friends, whether you're a freshman or a victory lap senior like me...you're officially an adult. Congratulations.
Whether Mom and Dad still pay the bills, or you're busy slaving away at your college job to make ends meet. We have left the confines of the roof we were born under. It's just you, God and life. How awesome!
Take advantage of the freedom you've been given. Put your minutes and hours to work for something significant. Don't waste your adulthood like many of us, myself included, mostly wasted our childhood.
Life...it's a beautiful thing.
Be blessed!
It's been a long day with classes getting started and transitioning into management at work. I was putting me stuff on the counter at Walmart and for some reason I looked over what I was buying again. Toilet paper, surface cleaner, paper towels and laundry detergent. Talk about the most boring trip to Walmart ever. It hit me super hard all of a sudden. I'm an adult now.
I don't know exactly when it happened. In my head I'm still about 17, figuring out the world and wondering what the future holds. Then I look at the mirror and realize all that's going on in life...graduating soon, thinking about career opportunities, talking to God about my future wife, thinking about how awesome fatherhood is going to be, etc.
My friends, whether you're a freshman or a victory lap senior like me...you're officially an adult. Congratulations.
Whether Mom and Dad still pay the bills, or you're busy slaving away at your college job to make ends meet. We have left the confines of the roof we were born under. It's just you, God and life. How awesome!
Take advantage of the freedom you've been given. Put your minutes and hours to work for something significant. Don't waste your adulthood like many of us, myself included, mostly wasted our childhood.
Life...it's a beautiful thing.
Be blessed!
11 January 2008
Judge not...
This post isn't any more fun to read than it is to write, but it desperately needs to been said...
Negative, cutting, derogatory remarks have no rightful place in a healthy community of people. Whether those people claim the name of Christ or not, that statement is still true. However, it's even more true when the people involved are supposed to be emulating Jesus Christ himself.
This whole post hinges on one verse I read in my JAM time (Jesus And Me).
Romans 14:4, "Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."
So many times we just truck right along in our humanness and take pot shots at whoever gets in our way. It's so easy to be negative about things or people. It's in our nature.
My friends, answer some good prayer and meditation over this particular verse, the only message I get from God is this: "let me handle them, they are my children just like you are."
It's very cut and dried. Unless the person you have beef with is engaging in open sin, keep your comments to yourself. Even if they are sinning, DO NOT GOSSIP. Take your concerns to that person and deal with them biblically and personally.
I have no right to pass judgment or make slanderous comments about you or anyone else. It really fries my bacon when believers attack each other, especially when the world can see it. There is no faster way to lose your witness with most people than to cut someone down, talk behind their back or gossip about them.
Here's the bottom line. If you verbally attack someone, you are sinning. If you gossip about them, you are sinning. The way you judge someone else is the way you'll be judged when your number is up. If you call someone a fool, you are the fool. The next time you point your finger, look at your hand. There are 3 fingers pointing right back at you!
Let's build each other up, not trying to elevate ourselves by tearing everyone else down. Live to see the best in the people around you. Look for their best, encourage them to be and become all that God has for them. Kindness given fosters more kindness to be received.
Compliment, encourage and bless the people who cross your path. Don't be a poison. No one likes negative people. Leaving the judging to the Judge.
-----
Romans 14:4, "Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."
Negative, cutting, derogatory remarks have no rightful place in a healthy community of people. Whether those people claim the name of Christ or not, that statement is still true. However, it's even more true when the people involved are supposed to be emulating Jesus Christ himself.
This whole post hinges on one verse I read in my JAM time (Jesus And Me).
Romans 14:4, "Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."
So many times we just truck right along in our humanness and take pot shots at whoever gets in our way. It's so easy to be negative about things or people. It's in our nature.
My friends, answer some good prayer and meditation over this particular verse, the only message I get from God is this: "let me handle them, they are my children just like you are."
It's very cut and dried. Unless the person you have beef with is engaging in open sin, keep your comments to yourself. Even if they are sinning, DO NOT GOSSIP. Take your concerns to that person and deal with them biblically and personally.
I have no right to pass judgment or make slanderous comments about you or anyone else. It really fries my bacon when believers attack each other, especially when the world can see it. There is no faster way to lose your witness with most people than to cut someone down, talk behind their back or gossip about them.
Here's the bottom line. If you verbally attack someone, you are sinning. If you gossip about them, you are sinning. The way you judge someone else is the way you'll be judged when your number is up. If you call someone a fool, you are the fool. The next time you point your finger, look at your hand. There are 3 fingers pointing right back at you!
Let's build each other up, not trying to elevate ourselves by tearing everyone else down. Live to see the best in the people around you. Look for their best, encourage them to be and become all that God has for them. Kindness given fosters more kindness to be received.
Compliment, encourage and bless the people who cross your path. Don't be a poison. No one likes negative people. Leaving the judging to the Judge.
-----
Romans 14:4, "Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."
08 January 2008
heart attack
Ok, so the topic of relationship has been heavy on my mind for a long time, but particularly these last several weeks (the CHRISTmas season is the only time of year that I genuinely wish I wasn't single). God has been working me over the coals for some time now and I haven't really been getting what He was sending.
There's a worship song, "Lord I give you my heart", you've probably heard it if you've been in a contemporary service in the last 5 years. I have been pondering over the words of that song for a long time (it's one of my favorite to play). See, the thing is that I had no idea how to "give Him my heart". I spent most of 2007 trying to keep my heart focused on God, in the midst of some terribly strong distractions. It was, and has always been, a struggle. I have a friend who I know has successfully given her romantic heart to God; she doesn't even possess it anymore. Until today, that has frustrated me to no end, because I can't seem to do the same.
Directing your affections is almost impossible to do. For most of the fall semester, it was an almost constant struggle to keep my affection and attention focused on my Savior. My heart has a tendency to wander back to worldly things if it's not corralled properly. I had a bit of an epiphany today when I was driving to work on my bike. I love the solitude driving the bike provides; plenty of thinking time alone inside my helmet...
Anyways, I realized that I have been trying to direct my affections. Away from certain people, towards Jesus, etc. That approach has failed miserably. The word I received from God today is that we are to release our heart, let go of it completely. We are to entrust it to God and let him take ownership of our heart. This is great for several reasons...
First, it allows us to relax and give God total control over the romantic affections that are present in our lives. It makes it easier to "guard your heart" because your heart is in God's hands.
Secondly, it makes finding the right person easier. It's not your job anymore. I came to that realization when I was having one of those ultra-significant conversations with a special person in my life. I told her, "It's not my job to win you...it's my job to be that Psalm 112 man and practice to be that Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 kind of husband. It's God's job to bring our heart's together. He does the winning." I can't put words to how much relief that brings me. Stop worrying about "the one" God has for you. Release your heart and place your focus on being the one He's called you to be. Let those in your life see His light in your life and His joy in your eyes. Do what we've been called to do, leave the results up to Him.
Finally, it brings a safety to this life that I've never experienced before. I fight fear and worry on a daily basis. One of the areas I'm really bad about is the future. When it comes to relationships, especially those of the romantic variety, all my confidence goes out the window. To be perfectly transparent, every single person I've ever truly cared for has either wounded me deeply or been deeply wounded by me. I bring to Christ a heart that is weary and apprehensive when it comes to relationships in general. That is why simply releasing your heart to Him, to let Him assuage your grief, relief your worry or doubt and keep you on His path for you. Every bit of confidence I lack in myself is more than replaced by my faith in an omnipotent Creator who has my best interests at heart.
Stop trying to push your heart around like it's a shopping cart in the parking lot of love. Put your heart in God's vehicle (providence and grace) and let Him take your heart where He wants it to go.
----
Hopefully some of that made sense. It's 4:30am and I'm writing this now because I try to never put off what needs to be said. There was far too much scripture to choose from for this passage. I'd suggest checking out Song of Songs, Haggai, 1 Corinthians, Ephesians and 1 Peter.
Be blessed...
There's a worship song, "Lord I give you my heart", you've probably heard it if you've been in a contemporary service in the last 5 years. I have been pondering over the words of that song for a long time (it's one of my favorite to play). See, the thing is that I had no idea how to "give Him my heart". I spent most of 2007 trying to keep my heart focused on God, in the midst of some terribly strong distractions. It was, and has always been, a struggle. I have a friend who I know has successfully given her romantic heart to God; she doesn't even possess it anymore. Until today, that has frustrated me to no end, because I can't seem to do the same.
Directing your affections is almost impossible to do. For most of the fall semester, it was an almost constant struggle to keep my affection and attention focused on my Savior. My heart has a tendency to wander back to worldly things if it's not corralled properly. I had a bit of an epiphany today when I was driving to work on my bike. I love the solitude driving the bike provides; plenty of thinking time alone inside my helmet...
Anyways, I realized that I have been trying to direct my affections. Away from certain people, towards Jesus, etc. That approach has failed miserably. The word I received from God today is that we are to release our heart, let go of it completely. We are to entrust it to God and let him take ownership of our heart. This is great for several reasons...
First, it allows us to relax and give God total control over the romantic affections that are present in our lives. It makes it easier to "guard your heart" because your heart is in God's hands.
Secondly, it makes finding the right person easier. It's not your job anymore. I came to that realization when I was having one of those ultra-significant conversations with a special person in my life. I told her, "It's not my job to win you...it's my job to be that Psalm 112 man and practice to be that Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 kind of husband. It's God's job to bring our heart's together. He does the winning." I can't put words to how much relief that brings me. Stop worrying about "the one" God has for you. Release your heart and place your focus on being the one He's called you to be. Let those in your life see His light in your life and His joy in your eyes. Do what we've been called to do, leave the results up to Him.
Finally, it brings a safety to this life that I've never experienced before. I fight fear and worry on a daily basis. One of the areas I'm really bad about is the future. When it comes to relationships, especially those of the romantic variety, all my confidence goes out the window. To be perfectly transparent, every single person I've ever truly cared for has either wounded me deeply or been deeply wounded by me. I bring to Christ a heart that is weary and apprehensive when it comes to relationships in general. That is why simply releasing your heart to Him, to let Him assuage your grief, relief your worry or doubt and keep you on His path for you. Every bit of confidence I lack in myself is more than replaced by my faith in an omnipotent Creator who has my best interests at heart.
Stop trying to push your heart around like it's a shopping cart in the parking lot of love. Put your heart in God's vehicle (providence and grace) and let Him take your heart where He wants it to go.
----
Hopefully some of that made sense. It's 4:30am and I'm writing this now because I try to never put off what needs to be said. There was far too much scripture to choose from for this passage. I'd suggest checking out Song of Songs, Haggai, 1 Corinthians, Ephesians and 1 Peter.
Be blessed...
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