A confession

I am a hypocrite.

My words and my actions don't match up.

I have been fighting off this nagging guilty feeling for a while now, and tonight it got the best of me. The things I say are important to me, the things I say I believe and want to strive for...well, I don't do those things. I take the easy way out more times than not. I'm a coward when it comes to actually living out my faith.

I look at my brother, Erick, who refuses to call himself a Christian because he is not willing to submit to the lifestyle of a Christ-follower....and I am deeply convicted. I'm convicted because Erick and I are extremely similar in our behavior, in the words that come out of our mouth, in choices of entertainment and lots of other things. Erick is true to himself and his professed world view. However, I claim to be a follower of Christ. There are certain things that I can't hold against people who don't choose to follow Christ...and certain things that the Bible says we MUST hold against people who claim the name of Christ in their life.

I got drunk Saturday night. Excessively drunk. I am 25 years old, and I wasn't driving any vehicle that night, so I did nothing illegal. Yet, I feel terrible in my inner man because I know that I willingly disobeyed what the Bible commands me to do.

I have slipped into habits of vulgar and coarse talk. I now find expletives peppering my normal vocabulary. I would be mortified if my pastor heard these words out of my mouth, yet I'm OK with my friends and fraternity brothers who don't know Jesus hearing them. I am a hypocrite. I am why people don't go to church. I am why people aren't interested in Christ.

I am also completely heartbroken over this fact.

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This is the point where my brother rolls his eyes and thinks "here we go again, another supposed revival..." because he's tired of my vacillation. I'm the guy Revelation 3 talks about who gets spit out of God's mouth.

What's my point, you ask? Why am I confessing this on a blog for all to see? Is this a "look at me" moment? No, I just wanted to be real. I wanted everyone to know that I recognize my sin and I am going to bow before the throne of God, beg forgiveness and strive for restoration to the man of God I desperately want to be.

I am searching for my life purpose. I don't know specifically what it is right now. Please pray for my restoration and for wisdom and guidance. I am a broken man in need of healing.

Praise God for His grace and mercy to me. I don't deserve any of it...