Heart ramblings

Ok, this is completely separate from any journal entries this summer. This is just something that I wanted to get out of my head and so I write. I think I may have finally come to an understanding as to why I have been completely unable to remain consistent in my walk with the Lord and my behavior as a man seeking to be like Jesus Christ.

When I think about all the times that I have been disappointed in myself these last couple of years, when I think about the things I’ve said and done that have not honored Christ and all the people I have hurt or angered…I remember what usually followed after those incidents. It was a concerted effort to eliminate the unacceptable actions and prevent them from happening again.

I have spent almost my entire adult life wavering between brief periods of fervent and intimate walk with the Lord and a much larger amount of time when I am quite mediocre in my Christian walk. This summer, in these last 5 weeks or so at Pine Cove…I have again been poured into by men much wiser and more Christ-like than myself. Someone I greatly respect called me on the carpet last week on something that I really never addressed in my life. He said that my actions weren’t the problem this time, it was my heart attitude that he was concerned about. He and I had some very serious conversation for a while that night and he shared some things that the Lord has taught him in Daniel.

I have heard the phrase several times here…”it doesn’t matter how clean your hands are if your heart is still dirty.” That is so true. I have spent some time since then seeking the Lord’s face on this issue and it is becoming excessively clear that I have found the source for my complete inability to be the man I so desperately want to be.

Despite the best efforts of my hands, my heart was still thoroughly corrupted with “selfish ambition and vain conceit” as Paul calls it in Philippians 2. Those times at school that I have come across as a cocky jerk without meaning to, the times when I have “tried to help” and only succeeded in being an arrogant know-it-all, the times when I have just plain been living in sin and allowed my frustration to get the best of me…all of those can be traced to a heart that is not submitted to the sovereignty of Almighty God.

“Your body is not your own, for you were bought with a price. Therefore, glorify God with your body.” I have heard that verse many, many times, but it has never really sunk in until this week. I know that many people at SFA have never seen the James B. Jenkins that I so desperately want to be, a man completely devoted and submitted to the will of Jesus Christ. The weight of my total inability to ever consistently be that man has been multiplied this summer at Pine Cove.

Something has clicked this past week that I hope and pray will allow me to finally get to the root of the heart attitude that has been the core of my interpersonal problems for as long as I can remember. The qualities of a man fervently following Christ are plainly evident: genuine joy, consistently encouraging words, tact, an eager servant’s heart, etc…these are qualities that I see displayed on a daily basis by many people around me. Pine Cove is the oven that God uses to fully develop these qualities in the people He has brought here.

All this rambling to say this…if your heart is put where it belongs, your hands can’t help but follow. I know that all the things I want most will appear at their appointed time. Just as King Neb said in Daniel 4, the Lord’s sovereignty covers all. The Lord is good. His timing is perfect.

The fact that I feel way too old to still be in college and not have taken even one step towards any kind of romantic relationship means nothing. The fact that I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do after the Forge means nothing. I may not know specifics, but I know that I’m supposed to submit my life to God and trust Him to open the door when the time is right and give me the nudge to walk through it. Ok, maybe a shove…I’m a pretty stubborn guy when it comes to the big stuff.

Ok, enough. I feel like I’ve been writing for an hour. The short version is that I want more than anything to consistently be the guy I’m supposed to be, to be true to the essence of the Lord that abides in me and to be a light that shines His love and encouragement in the environment He’s divinely placed me in. Everything else is icing on the cake.

And now I feel better…if you actually read this whole rambling mess, I think you deserve a gold medal or something. Be blessed…